swimming in a sea of faces
tired of the human race
oh love
answer now
it's what i need


too many wasted.
too much wasted.
she came looking.
asking.
in Hokkien.
"do u have money to spare? i want to eat."
i stared blankly.
and the people around me chased her away.
in starbucks.

and i just sat.
confounded.
remember the poor.
and got up.
took my wallet n ipod n phone.
and went to the toilet.
tried looking for her.
i went back.
and went out looking for her again.
but she was gone.
she carried a bag with a 1.5 litre bottle in it.

break my heart from what breaks yours
everything i am for your Kingdom
show me how to love like you
have loved me


and i did not.
i held back.
rejected it.
hardened my heart.

maybe she wasn't really hungry.
maybe she wanted money.
but i could have never known.
never been able to show her.

and once again,
i fail.
i fall.

what a wretched being i am.

lessons learnt.
again and again.

but You still take care of her.

when the tears fall
Lord are you there?
ive got questions
without answers.
when silence falls,
you'll be the song within my heart.

poor dad.
vomited today. twice.
bought porridge back for dinner but he dint want to eat):
yikes.
caron, pray more for your family.

picking up pieces with You.

Labels: remember the poor.

1:07 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

oh my.

love her.
i want my kid to be like that!

Labels: wishing on the same bright star

11:19 PM

so close my eyes
and hold my heart
cover me and make me something
change this something normal
into something beautiful.

the words made no sense to me.
i could just stare at the clock,
"half an hour more."
and gaze at the tree that had been killed for education.
thinking whether i should go to the beach,
or to sleep after leaving the hall.
'you cannot leave the hall fifteen minutes before we collect the paper. so if you wish to leave please do so within the next 10 minutes.'
i sat there rooted to my seat.
thinking, dreaming.
i wanted to leave,
but i had to give my best wasn't it?
so i stared at the combination of words and tried to put sense into them.
i told you how i wanted to do well,
how i wanted to excel.
but i never knew it was this hard.
i never knew i would let myself down,
and worse let you down.
i could have,
done better.
i stared at the clock.
thought to myself again.

(stupid ants crawling on the table)

and jus sat in my chair,
looking and flipping the pages,
fidgeting and trying to make myself warm.
looking at people's clothes,
thinknin again if i should go to ecp,
and my thoughts drift on.

This song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to.

Like waking up too early,
Maybe we can sleep in.
I'll make you banana pancakes,
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we can pretend it all the time, yeah
Can't you see that it's just raining
Aint no need to go outside.
'Cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside
And we can pretend it all the time

And can't you see that it's just raining
There ain't no need to go outside
Ain't no need, ain't no need
Mmm, Mmm
Can't you see, can't you see
Rain all day and I don't mind

But the telephone is singing, ringing
It's too early, don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough

Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Wake up slow
Mmm, Mmm
Wake up slow

-Banana Pancakes

mummy made banana pancakes this afternoon,
and i ate them.
felt happy eating them.
like a small kid when she used to make pancakes on hols,
and we would sit in front of the tv and watch Land before Time.
ahh. that s a long time.

xin en says i always talk in fragments.
haha like bits and pieces everywhere..
i know.

i told ginny,
its lk sometimes we dont exist.
she said, yeah, i know what you mean.
how then?

at the cross i bow my knee
where your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
you have overcome the grave
your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now?

the team left.
and it was so nostalgic.
wished i could have disappeared into a luggage.
and jus go along with them.


so take me as you find me
all my fears and failures
fill my life again
i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender

8:22 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i will worship You for who You are
i will worship You for You are
i will worship You for who You are
Jesus

my soul secure
Your promise sure
Your love endures
always

thank You God for always being there.
the faithful One.
the One that sticks closer.
closer than my skin.

even when everything seemed to come crashing,
or when im just really at my wits end,
panicking and thinking of the wildest and stupidest thoughts my mind can concoct,
and just at the brink of letting myself go,

You are.
and You will always be.

even til i grow old,
and have grey hairs.
and have wrinkles.
and the grey matter in my brain dissolve,
or my cardiac muscles start failing me,
and when the pacemaker cells in my heart start to deteriorate,

you still love me.
and just as much.

and that's enough.

for me to go on.
another day full of uncertainty.

but in You,
my soul is secure.
You will take care of me,
and provide for my every need.

You saw me.

and i really thank you,
my dearest Lord Jesus.

Holy,
Righteous,
Faithful to the end.
Saviour,
Healer,
Redeemer and
Friend.

thank you to the 2 ppl whom i had dinner with tonight.
thank you to God's HEHES for loving me as i am, and bearing all the "talking to myself moments",
thank you to xin, whom i share Lion King moments.

and ill hang onto You
nothing in this world can see me through
only You
ill hang onto You
every day i live,
i live for You,
only You.

looking out like a little child
holding tight til it all gets well.

giving You my heart.

Labels: i love you jesus

11:25 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

smiles.

what funny thoughts that go through my head in the shower.
first in the car.
smiles and silently laugh to myself,
sitting there in the semi-dark.
reading my phone.
listening to 90.5.

dreaming a little.

and sinking back to earth.

"earth to caron!"

and so i hit the showers.

(i do talk a bit funnily, don't i?
shakes head.
abit lk going in circles.)

thinking, pondering what to say,
or type,
or write.
throwing out a challenge to you,
and then i step out, enjoying the coolness of the night
and hurrying to my room to ---
then,

i got my answer
when marshmellow was on.

strangely,
no disappointment,
or relief.

but i just feel silly.
thinking that i could have gotten things going again,
or that everything would be normal.
but then, what is normal?

so silly.

laughs.

abi says studying the nervous system should make me nervous. ahha.

heard and saw the kfc enjoying their pop camp.
so nostalgic.
ohh. i miss youth camp so.
miss the planning, fun, serious moments.
agh.
and the camp itself.


i promise you God:
im going to know the people im leading for worship.
and i will make that effort to know them individually.
and to love them.
like how u do.

but help me.
amidst exams,
amidst all the inner battles.


oh.
brandson kissed my hand today!
so sweet.
and perry shouted my name and called me across the tables.
aww. noticed there was a big baluku on his eye. :/
and he came running to me, singing,
"I LIKE GOD!"
awww! miss that time so so much!

we went to the cry room,
and sat them down,
and switched on the cd player.
and we all sang "i like God"
and another lovely song about Jesus.
and we all danced with actions.
unabashed, unashamed.
cause nobody bothered us.
i remb qin shen sitting quietly in a corner,
watching us and helping to pres the "play" button.
a very rare occasion which he sat still and listened.
and we all sang.
jerome, brandson, jimson, perry, and i.
what a funny group of 5 that i never imagined i would be part of.
and yet,
it was all so childlike,
innocent, sweet.
what a lovely,
beautiful moment in time.
to see them singing love songs to you.


and i smile.
its in moments like these that makes life worth going on.

and brandson and jimson both hi-fived me really hard.
ow.
haha and jimson went,
:sorry!
classic.
and they went home.

and i stood.
whimsical.

and i waved goodbye to kin yi, and ray fon.
wishing i could give them a humongous hug.
thank God kin yi's baluku is less green and black.


oh i do! i do!
miss those days.
when life was so so much simpler.
and less complex.


redefine what life and love means for me.

i muse.
and ponder.

at the sea,
ill wait on my knees.

water covers sand,
blood covers doubt.

Labels: unanswered questions.

11:15 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i want to fall in love with You

to keep Your lovely face
ever before my eyes
this is my prayer
make it my strong desire
that in my secret heart
no other love competes
no rival throne survives
for i serve only You

help me to let go
dear Jesus.

that you would look upon a wretched soul,
what
love!

Labels: my secret heart :

12:01 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

when i speak your name
mountains move
darkness flees


the Enemy.

Screwtape letters is a thought-provoking book.
and it is quite true.
at least til where im readin now. chapt 3 or 4?

what a wretched soul you love.

Here before Your altar
I am letting go
of all I've held
Of every motive,
every burden
Everything that's of myself

I just want to wait
on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful
oh I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
oh Lord,
You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash Your feet,
with humble tears
Oh, I would be poured out
till nothing's left

I just want to wait
on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are,
You are

Beautiful,
beautiful oh I am lost
for more to say
Beautiful,
beautiful oh Lord,
You're beautiful to me

Holy, You are


-Beautiful; gateway worship


i sat,
the wind flying in my face
and the world rushing past.
it felt exhilarating,
and i felt lk lifting my hands
letting out a whoop and cheer.
feeling so free,
released.

but of course i didn't.
it would be madness to do that.

trust.
that i would be safe sitting behind my brother.
comforting.


and i dream;
back.
when the stars fade,
you were there for me.
and i sigh to myself.

what then?


anyway, enjoyed my last day of school on thurs.
mr edward poon had such a history. i still refuse to believe he is 65.
had pizza, cake, chips, v nice salad made by jaz n i! haha i shall put the pictures up another time.
and megabites mudpie!! yums.
interesting stories.
ooh. haah


but for now,
let me say i love you

jamie cullum(:
what a sweet and yet wrong perception of what 'i love you' means.
if only that were true.

but Jesus:
thank you for loving me.
the way i am.
with all my qualms and failings and disgusting me.
thank you(:


i love you too.

Labels: i want to fall in love with you

2:51 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

MOST FUN DAY AT NSL. (nursing skills lab)

we attempted.
grins.
haha! first time was so so hilarious can.
jazreel and i shifted harvey off the bed onto the table.
and oh my. i underestimate his weight!
we carried.
and i burst out laughing.
and my strength ran away!!!
i almost dropped him.
jazreel wasn't very amused.
we tried putting him on the chair, but he sank.
and decided to put him onto the table.
angela, lay hao and michelle stood or lay so amused.
so SO FUNNY.
and i was so excited to carry him back onto the bed.

the transferring:


mdm rabia came in, cause we were making so much noise.
and checked on harvey.
and his private part had dropped out.
assuring her that we'll fix it back and that he will be completely whole and not broken, she went out.

finally.. dear Harvey.



next time she popped her head in,
i was in the patient's clothing.
and winding the bed up.
oh my.
i froze for a sec.
thank God she din't scold me.
(im not supp to touch the pt clothing)
oh my. yesterday. the most fun and slackest lab day ever.
of course this wouldn happen during real classes.

jazreel and i!


LAY HAO.


angela and michelle


i like gg for practice(:
its when all the fun and hilarious moments come out
when you pretend to be the nurse and patient at the same time.
this morn's prac was not so eventful.
but more useful. managed to transfer syida from the bed to wheelchair and back.
need more practice tho.
groans. hope i can wake tmr for lab at 8.
haven't been able to wake up.

alright(:
back to studying.
now begins my mugging for the final year.

You saw me

Labels: best lab day(:

6:46 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

angst.

Labels: with thoughts and all; hold me jesus.

2:18 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Corrinne May - Same Side Of The Moon


I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

thanks xin en for the really nice song.

when the world turns blue.

Labels: jesus :

9:49 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

like Icarus i collide
with a world i tried so hard to live behind.
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of One who loved
more deeply than the ocean.


im almost rescuing you mrs tong.

to love you
take my world apart
to need you
take my world apart.

i still am in disbelief at what i did at cbtl.
sam chin was playing one way.
and i was really so so high.
brough back so many memories of Radical!
i miss Radical! and you.

and i vividly remember:
i grabbed the mike from the choir stand,
and ran to the front of stage,
pushing through the choir members.
hearing the youths cheer and grins from michelle and sam chin.
and started leading.

all the dancing and cheering.
oh my.

saturday. 4pm.

what a pity.
dint hear them scream "Promises."
i wanted to do "Happy Day".
WITH ACTIONS.
my dream is still yet to come through.

thank you dearest Xin for always being here for me((:
making me laugh.
HAHA.
marshmEllow.
i insist with this spelling.

and haha. waking u up at 5pm when u dint even say anything about waking u up at 5.

oh! the spastic bus moment.
going in the wrong direction. and the person staring at me like i grew an extra head or smth.
HAHA.

those were funny happy moments.
*collapses into fits of silent laughter

thank you dear.
i thank God for you((:

lets out a sigh.

i will lift my eyes to You,
Father, find me.
have mercy on my soul.

Labels: wakeup call at 530am?

2:06 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

ow. im going to get a pressure ulcer soon.
my butt hurts from sitting too long.
and strangely, im hungry even after ive eaten so much.
papaya. oats. pineapple. soursop. raisin bread. sandwich.

im don't know whether to anticipate an answer.
but i'm not taking a "no" for an answer.
let's pray there won't be loud noises at home.

the work seems never ending is it?

i was on the verge of pulling my hair my hair out
and blurted it out to leonardo in an sms
and she empathatically said pull it straight.
hmmfps.

when i'm weak, You are strong
You're my feet when i can't move on


back at that place of surrendering.
everything:







be my everything.

mrs tong, mrs tong,
why did thy fall?

the run did me good last night.

-makes a face-
dad refuses to pick me up.
im tired. and ill prob feel better.
later.


new shoes!
uniforms tmr!
i can't wait for friday.
its like going to officially be a nurse(:
field trip day(:

and i shall carry my house and head home.

make me smile.

Labels: more of You. and less of me.

7:17 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

me and dear ange!!


me and the brilliant analysts: Faiz and Angela


me and dear PIP tutor Mr Edward Poon.
for giving us alot of encouragement and ferrerochea!! thank you!



somewere out there


let me be your wings


oh my. i never knew thumbelina the movie existed!
such old old cartoons.
miss the childhood days..im so going to find these movies and buy the dvd or vcd!
so sweet and innocent and nice(:
xin and i are both smiling((:
ahh! be my wings!!


what an eventful evening yst:

thank god for bringing me through my ppt.
everything went smoothly. even tho we dint even have a full rehearsal.
thank you God for being so so faithul and wonderful!
met bryan after for Blindness.
we met at buona vista.
and the next few hours was a calorie-burning trip.
we went to dhoby gaut. to the cathay to try to see if there were movie timings for that show. i had no idea but bryan wanted to watch. so alright.
we reached at 510. and the movie timing was 510. next timing was 9 smth.
too late.
we stood thinkin what to do.
tried to call ppl. and finally got josh.
but yeeyur. no timings.
and sat down and opened his laptop.
haha marshmellow was too slow.
and yay! lido and cine both had timings.
then came thinkin how to get there.
haha. what happned next was quite incredible.
he trusted me to go cine.

and we did.
with his laptop in his bag.
my guitar and marshie. and big reebok bag.
oh my. we were so so hot and perspiring.
was so contented to have aircon.
and finally sat down for subway(:
and he had to kill a fly with his hand. yuck.

movie was. hmm. good.
some obscene sex scenes. but really parallel to life.
sighs. i shall dissect it another time.
thenn!!!!!
we decided to go Roomful of BLues.
and what happened nt was phenomenal.
we took a train to dhoby gaut from somerset.
and.
walked.
all.
the.
way.
to.
clarke quay.

thank God he dint kill me.
with all our heavy stuff.

oh my. i salute him.
for trusting me to walk in the correct direction.

we walked to clarke quay mrt. and took the train to dhoby gaut.
again.
called dearest xin to help for directions.
and finally met her near prinsep st.
and walked to Roomful of blues.

guess what?
it was so near the cathay.

i really really salute bryan.
hehs.

thank you my dearest godbrother.
for being so willing to listen to my directions.
and walk without much complaining. (he just gave me stares.)

haha i dont know whether to laugh or to cry.
but i laughed more.

and dear xin started laughing the moment she saw us.
another siglap moment..
when i walked from VS all the way to siglap and martini, hongkong cafe there.
in search of Garden Slug.
and walked to Garden Slug when xin finally met me.


tell me im good at walking.

we walked about an hr that night in search of Roomful of Blues.

us at Roomful of Blues


artistic shot of bryan's drink.



and God,
what was that all about?

hearing Joseph speak,
i could only keep trying to stop the tears from coming.
and all my frustrations, disappointments,
everything that came to mind just poured out.

kneeling before you
unworthy, broken.
and they came,
hard, choked.


thank you ting.
for sitting, and hearing,
and hugging and praying for me.

but what is it really all about God?

i need an answer.

missions stems out of a relationship and friendship with God.


a love relationship with You.

i need that. so much more.

i worship you
i worship you
the reason i live
is to worship you.

12:44 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-